I Choose To Wait



” But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

I now understand this, and this is to my Queens especially! It took a very recent heartbreak and the emotional pain that goes with it, to finally comprehend what it means to ‘wait on the Lord’. I’m not sure I even realized how much pain I was in. I wasn’t dealing with it. I didn’t know how to. I just had a baby. I just wanted to work things out with my daughter’s dad, as most women do. But it wasn’t meant to be. Now that wasn’t the heartbreaking part. It was certain things that happened after I made the decision to walk away from the ‘situationship’. I won’t get into any details, but I realise now I should have made better choices at the end of the day. I should have waited on the Lord. I’m such a patient person, just at the wrong times, for the wrong things and people.

For the last 17 years I have not been single though. SEVENTEEN YEARS!!! I’m now 34 and this coming December I will be 35. So yeah, it took me a while, but I now get it. Oh, and it’s not like no one hasn’t gave me good advice and told me to enjoy my own company, be by myself and enjoy my space. A guy actually first told me that! Some of the best advice I’ve ever been given.

The longest relationship I’ve been in was about 9-10 years on and off in total. That relationship should have probably ended sooner rather than later, but so it goes. Then with my daughter’s dad, that was on and off for 5 years.  That should have ended years ago, but silly me, I said nahhhh. I can change him. He’ll give me what I want if I show him I’m a prize. If I put in the work he’ll come around. Well slap me silly because I definitely wasn’t showing him I was a prize. I thought I was, at first anyway, but I had some growing up to do. I was moaning about his behaviour but never held myself accountable for mine. I chased him and never let him chase me. But as it goes, I’ve done my pack and made silly choices and mistakes in life. Not everyone has, lucky them, but for me, it has helped me to grow.  I remember a friend of mine (a male) told me to humble myself and maybe try dating a different fella from what I’d been accustomed to. Do you know my silly self got mad?? He was right though!! Thank God for hindsight because gee wiz.  I honestly thought I had it all together (lol) and I definitely didn’t. I mean we’re imperfect creatures, but same time, I wanted someone to change and didn’t realise the changes needed to come from within first and foremost.

See, I’m the type that falls hard and fast when I’m really interested in the person.  I clearly would fall for the wrong ones and not get a commitment. It was always ‘bad timing’. That’s what happens when we don’t wait on the Lord’s timing. I wanted a committed relationship so so badly though, and of course I sought attention from the wrong ones. It’s what females do at some point in their lives.  I guess I was looking for love, I’m not sure though…but what’s done is done.

A guy I was cool with once told me if I had my dad in my life I wouldn’t have made certain decisions. This guy just happened to stalk me so I didn’t pay him much mind, but I do think his comment holds some weight.  However thanks be to Jah, my dad and I have a great relationship now!! I feel my daughter is the reason for that too. I had to wait a while, but I got my daddy and heck if I’m letting go! I even see that my standards have changed. My dad gives me that much needed insight and I am so grateful for that.

So anywho, I say all that because I now understand. Wait on the Lord!!  Even if you’re not religious/spiritual, just wait.  When it comes to relationships and getting involved with people, Queens, you know we do stupid things at times. We make silly choices that are not in our favour!! We will wait on a man that has no intention of marriage or doesn’t even commit to being a boyfriend!! Kudos to the Queens that don’t have these issues, however a lot of us do. We really need to take a step back and reevaluate our lives and the choices we make. We deserve so much more but settle for less and in turn break our own hearts. We must look within but at the same time we cannot beat ourselves up. It’s OK to walk away. It’s OK to let go.

For me it has taken heartache. That gut wrenching heartache where it hurts so bad you are too afraid to ever love again. You cry out to the Lord to make it stop. You lose sleep, you don’t eat or you wonder why you’re not good enough and so on. I’m not even trying to be dramatic either. I just know I’m not the only one that’s gone/going through this. I’m so afraid of another broken heart, I really and truly am.  I don’t know how long it’ll take, but it will have to take divine intervention for me to even consider trying that thing called love again. So waiting on the Lord it is. Recognizing that enough is really enough and recognizing my worth has helped. I had to recognize it was time to heal; time to have that peace of mind. My peace of mind is very valuable to me now and I will protect it. I have to make wiser decisions going forward. Not only for myself but for my daughter’s benefit.

I have my daughter and I am very happy and content with it just being the two of us, so it’s definitely time that I wait on Him. It’s time I trust in Him. The Lord will bring someone my way when I’m ready. I just need to heal, be happy in my own skin and enjoy life. Live the life I love, as my ace gurl always says. I know now that I don’t need a man to make me happy or complete me. He should complement me. Someone that is equally yoked. I have my daughter and she’s all I need. Yes, I would love to get married one day, but that’ll come in time, when the Lord knows I’m ready. When He knows I can be a great wife to someone as well. If it doesn’t, that’s OK too, but I still choose to wait.

 

 

Milah ♥

 

 

 

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