Mommy.

 

*I wrote this while still living in London.

Since becoming pregnant I feel like I’ve become more enlightened. I sh*t you not life has taken on a whole new perspective. Things seem so much clearer. I have a deeper understanding of life that I didn’t have before and this is such a great thing. It shows I’ve matured and I’m growing mentally each day, as I prepare to become a mother. That brings me to this blog post.

In one of my enlightened moments I realised how much I took my mom for granted and how much we as society take our mothers for granted when they are living.

When your mom is living, do you ever miss her? Do you ever realise just how big of an impact she has in your life?

I used to sometimes get annoyed when my mom would want me to take her to the store or give her a lift somewhere. It only dawned on me once becoming pregnant, how much I missed doing those things for her. I feel so silly and petty when I think about it.

Since becoming pregnant, I have missed my mother so damn much!!  She is alive and well, but she’s not here in the UK with me. I never realized how important it is to have your family close until now.

There have been days where I was feeling a bit weepy and the only person I wanted was my mom. I sh*t you not I would have my moment of tears and I would legit be crying to myself saying, ‘I want my momma.’ With my hormones turning up and my emotions just paying me no mind, I realised just how much I needed her; just how much I needed her calming voice and presence. Her presence alone would have been enough for those weepy moments.

I am very grateful that I still have my mom. Lord knows I am not trying to take that for granted. I am also very appreciative of the great relationship we have. My mom is the best and I thank God for her. She did her very best raising my sister and I, and I gotta say she did a great job.  My sister and I aren’t perfect but we are pretty damn awesome. I can’t express how much my respect has grown for my mother.

Love her to the moon and beyond. xo
Love her to the moon and beyond. xo

I also have a new found respect for women whose mothers are no longer living or those who don’t have a good relationship with their mothers. Especially when they become mothers themselves. That is a journey that you most of all want to share with your mom. You want to be able to show her all of your pictures  from your scans and tell her about your cravings. You’d want her to witness your growing baby bump especially. You’d have questions about when she was carrying you and what type of experiences she had as well. But more importantly you’d want her to be there for the birth of her grandchild. She’d be there to calm you and give you advice, and to also reassure you that you will be a great mother. She will always have your back no matter what because well….that’s what mothers do.

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2015. The Year I Grew Up.

So…. I know the year is almost over, but how was your New Years? Mine sucked. I actually started off 2015 crying. Crying for various reasons. Bawling like a baby. Well maybe not bawling, but I was as sad as sad can be.

It was my first time living away from home and my family.  I was feeling very lonely and was upset about my life in a nutshell. It wasn’t going along as planned; my simple yet awesome plan of just being bloody awesome.

Well as we all know life has a sense of humor…. Things don’t always go according to plan. Life does not care how great of a plan you have, nor how meticulous you was creating this exquisite plan.

So even though I ended 2014 in tears, I promised myself it wouldn’t start with more tears. I decided 2015 would be great. It would be effin epic and to do that I needed to let go of the things that had me in tears. I needed to let go of any insecurities I had and I needed to accept the things I could not change. It was time for me to take charge. I had goals and ambitions, so why the hell was I letting ‘stuff’ get me down.

Now it wasn’t easy. I had to write myself notes and set myself reminders. I had to remind myself that I am a queen and to always keep my chin up, head high. I knew what direction I wanted my life to go in and I was determined to get there. I also kept a diary of sorts. It was my way of releasing my raw feelings. I’ve actually kept a video diary in the past (I still use it.) and have found this very useful.  It’s amazing to look back at yourself and see the raw emotion of happiness, sadness, excitement etc… You can look back and see how far you have come, or how far you may have back tracked.

So here I was, on a mission. I wanted to land a great job working in the city in London. I wanted to forget about guys (lol you know there’s always a guy in the mix) and not be concerned about being single at 33 years old. You know when a female is over 30 and single with no kids, it can play on your mind. Not all women obviously, but for me it definitely did.

I was going to start blogging and focus on my YouTube channel. I had plans, goals and I even had them written down on my vision board, so I can be reminded on a daily basis.

……….

So fast forward a bit to February/March. I had a master plan. I know I know. Nothing goes according to plan and yes, I did get another reminder of this.

So I initiated the first part of my master plan. I decided to step out on faith and hand in my notice at my job. I was absolutely miserable there. Besides the work being mentally draining, the journey was stressful at times and it was costly to get there.  So with no job lined up, I finished up work on a Friday and had an interview that following Monday. You see I was applying for soooo many jobs a day it was unreal and I figured, if I’m at home I could apply for loads more. At least 100 jobs a day minimum I applied for, and I did this everyday all day for two weeks. Then my leap of faith paid off. I was only out of work for two weeks and the first day of unemployment my flatmate had gotten a new job. It was perfect. The Lord’s timing is everything.

So I started working part time at a pharmacy, which will remain nameless. I was able to apply for work during the day and work at night. I enjoyed this because I was working near Trafaglar Square. I loved seeing the architecture and seeing the tourists on a daily basis.  I even bumped into a Bermudian while at work, and an American tourist who has visited Bermuda for years.

Life was ok. No tears. No stress. My skin was clearing up. Oh!! Did I mention my skin had broken out due to stress?? My eyebrows had even shed!!! The stress had been showing when 2014 ended, but 2015 I was determined to tell stress to eff off.

So any who, I’m working at the pharmacy for a few weeks until one day I couldn’t get to work. I go to the cash point to take out some money to top up my oyster card. Well why the bloody hell does the machine keep my card?? So I go to the bank to see what’s happening, only to find out my bank account has been frozen!! I had no idea why and I was stuck. I couldn’t get to work. What’s worse is my employer wasn’t going to be paying me for another month. Have you ever heard of such??? Because they missed the payroll date I had to suffer?! They were taking a right piss I tell you!!

So now I must say, this was incredibly stressful for me. It wasn’t the end of the world but it felt like it to me. I couldn’t take out any money and I couldn’t get to work.  Now, first let me tell you, the bank would not tell me why my account was frozen. They wouldn’t even apologize for any inconvenience. NOTHING. They told me I had to wait for a letter in the post. The post!!?? Now the bank was taking a right piss!! I will never forget, I went to the bank to see if I could get some answers and they again shut me down. I don’t know what came over me (actually I do now) but I sat there and cried in that bank. What was I going to do? I had no money, I couldn’t go to work and I had bills to pay. I felt like everything was going wrong. I left the bank, walked down the High St to our flat and as soon as I got home I cried and cried and cried. The ugly face, chest heaving crying. I cried some more when my flatmate came home. This was the most damn crying I had done since New Years Eve.

So since I wasn’t able to get paid from work, I took a Saturday job doing flyering for one of my favourite stores on Brick Lane. I was able to open a new bank account elsewhere and one of my friends lent me some money, bless their sweet heart. Side note, I have the best family and friends ever. My flatmate is the best as well. He had my back to the utmost. We have been through the struggle and have made a great team. Funny how life prepares you for things and you don’t even realise it.

So back to Brick Lane. That was one of the most humbling experiences ever. You all know what ‘flyering’ is right? Flyering is when you hand out flyers, pamphlets etc, to advertise a promotion, concert, daily specials etc. Now in Bermuda, we don’t really do this. We will stick flyers on your cars, in clubs, in stores and whatnot. A promoter may hand them out at a football game. Welllllll!!! This sucked lol. I did it though. I tried to get people to take these flyers, to try and urge them to take one so they could partake in a nice lil discount.  All I can say is people can be mean. They will look down on you like you’re dirt beneath their feet. Quite amusing really. If the role was reversed, I’m pretty sure they would appreciate more kindness. So it goes. Who feels it knows it.

After awhile I got tired of the flyering. I was hungry as hell and ready to go home, so I did just that. Off I went back to Sutton where I lived. I was anticipating getting some curry for my flatmate and I. But I forgot there was something I needed to get first.

How could I forget??

I was five days late.

Yep. Late.

I’ll let the picture speak for itself.

Whelp!!! I wasn't expecting this!
Whelp!!! I wasn’t expecting this!