I Choose To Wait



” But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”

I now understand this, and this is to my Queens especially! It took a very recent heartbreak and the emotional pain that goes with it, to finally comprehend what it means to ‘wait on the Lord’. I’m not sure I even realized how much pain I was in. I wasn’t dealing with it. I didn’t know how to. I just had a baby. I just wanted to work things out with my daughter’s dad, as most women do. But it wasn’t meant to be. Now that wasn’t the heartbreaking part. It was certain things that happened after I made the decision to walk away from the ‘situationship’. I won’t get into any details, but I realise now I should have made better choices at the end of the day. I should have waited on the Lord. I’m such a patient person, just at the wrong times, for the wrong things and people.

For the last 17 years I have not been single though. SEVENTEEN YEARS!!! I’m now 34 and this coming December I will be 35. So yeah, it took me a while, but I now get it. Oh, and it’s not like no one hasn’t gave me good advice and told me to enjoy my own company, be by myself and enjoy my space. A guy actually first told me that! Some of the best advice I’ve ever been given.

The longest relationship I’ve been in was about 9-10 years on and off in total. That relationship should have probably ended sooner rather than later, but so it goes. Then with my daughter’s dad, that was on and off for 5 years.  That should have ended years ago, but silly me, I said nahhhh. I can change him. He’ll give me what I want if I show him I’m a prize. If I put in the work he’ll come around. Well slap me silly because I definitely wasn’t showing him I was a prize. I thought I was, at first anyway, but I had some growing up to do. I was moaning about his behaviour but never held myself accountable for mine. I chased him and never let him chase me. But as it goes, I’ve done my pack and made silly choices and mistakes in life. Not everyone has, lucky them, but for me, it has helped me to grow.  I remember a friend of mine (a male) told me to humble myself and maybe try dating a different fella from what I’d been accustomed to. Do you know my silly self got mad?? He was right though!! Thank God for hindsight because gee wiz.  I honestly thought I had it all together (lol) and I definitely didn’t. I mean we’re imperfect creatures, but same time, I wanted someone to change and didn’t realise the changes needed to come from within first and foremost.

See, I’m the type that falls hard and fast when I’m really interested in the person.  I clearly would fall for the wrong ones and not get a commitment. It was always ‘bad timing’. That’s what happens when we don’t wait on the Lord’s timing. I wanted a committed relationship so so badly though, and of course I sought attention from the wrong ones. It’s what females do at some point in their lives.  I guess I was looking for love, I’m not sure though…but what’s done is done.

A guy I was cool with once told me if I had my dad in my life I wouldn’t have made certain decisions. This guy just happened to stalk me so I didn’t pay him much mind, but I do think his comment holds some weight.  However thanks be to Jah, my dad and I have a great relationship now!! I feel my daughter is the reason for that too. I had to wait a while, but I got my daddy and heck if I’m letting go! I even see that my standards have changed. My dad gives me that much needed insight and I am so grateful for that.

So anywho, I say all that because I now understand. Wait on the Lord!!  Even if you’re not religious/spiritual, just wait.  When it comes to relationships and getting involved with people, Queens, you know we do stupid things at times. We make silly choices that are not in our favour!! We will wait on a man that has no intention of marriage or doesn’t even commit to being a boyfriend!! Kudos to the Queens that don’t have these issues, however a lot of us do. We really need to take a step back and reevaluate our lives and the choices we make. We deserve so much more but settle for less and in turn break our own hearts. We must look within but at the same time we cannot beat ourselves up. It’s OK to walk away. It’s OK to let go.

For me it has taken heartache. That gut wrenching heartache where it hurts so bad you are too afraid to ever love again. You cry out to the Lord to make it stop. You lose sleep, you don’t eat or you wonder why you’re not good enough and so on. I’m not even trying to be dramatic either. I just know I’m not the only one that’s gone/going through this. I’m so afraid of another broken heart, I really and truly am.  I don’t know how long it’ll take, but it will have to take divine intervention for me to even consider trying that thing called love again. So waiting on the Lord it is. Recognizing that enough is really enough and recognizing my worth has helped. I had to recognize it was time to heal; time to have that peace of mind. My peace of mind is very valuable to me now and I will protect it. I have to make wiser decisions going forward. Not only for myself but for my daughter’s benefit.

I have my daughter and I am very happy and content with it just being the two of us, so it’s definitely time that I wait on Him. It’s time I trust in Him. The Lord will bring someone my way when I’m ready. I just need to heal, be happy in my own skin and enjoy life. Live the life I love, as my ace gurl always says. I know now that I don’t need a man to make me happy or complete me. He should complement me. Someone that is equally yoked. I have my daughter and she’s all I need. Yes, I would love to get married one day, but that’ll come in time, when the Lord knows I’m ready. When He knows I can be a great wife to someone as well. If it doesn’t, that’s OK too, but I still choose to wait.

 

 

Milah ♥

 

 

 

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Carpe My Diem

car·pe di·em  –  used to urge someone to make the most of the present time and give little thought to the future.

Carpe Diem. Seize the day.

So many of us say this, but how many of us actually do this?? Well this chick right here is seizing her day. I am taking FULL advantage of each day that I am gifted (I’m trying to anyway lol!!) But seriously though. I am a 34 year old, single mother of a beautiful daughter and I have no time to waste. It took me a while, but I’m ready to do what I love. I’m ready to walk in my purpose. I’m ready to build my empire.

When my daughter gets older, she will know that anything is possible, no matter the circumstances. I will be her Wonder Woman. Her example of a strong, independent woman that may have made mistakes in life and stumbled here and there, but a woman that grew and evolved. A woman who recognized her worth and knows that she is a queen. Women are the bearers of life! We are royalty!! It’s time we go for what’s ours. Milahn, my daughter, will know this. She will understand this. She will watch her mommy build an empire for us. So that being said, I realised that if I’m going to accomplish my goals, a change needs to first happen within. I need to have my mind right. I have to let go of negative thoughts and behaviour, self doubt and insecurities. I especially need to love myself and that entails letting go of anything that will not help me to prosper. Whether it’s bad habits or bad company I need to let it go. I need to respect myself and make wise decisions. I have a daughter now and I refuse to set a bad example.

I told myself if I’m going to build an empire I need to start now.  Now when I say empire, I’m referring to me accomplishing my goals and getting to my desired level of success.  I always thought I would need a better job, make more money etc, etc to accomplish my goals. But that is not the case!

I was in church this past weekend and the sermon was about focus, time and working with what you have. You see, we have to constantly remain focused and recognise that we can’t waste time doing things that don’t relate to where we’re trying to go. If you want to be a great footballer, you’re not going to spend precious time playing basketball when you could be doing football drills would you? You also would not spend a whole lot of time around people that don’t understand or respect that you’re trying to accomplish certain things. Proverbs 27:17 Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another. (ESV) You need good people and like minded people around you. People that actually care, who will listen to you and encourage you. But they will also give you constructive criticism and they will tell you the things you need to hear, not what you want to hear.

You also need to work with what you have. One cannot master more if he cannot master less. I used to be guilty of this and now I understand perfectly. How can I want that promotion yet I don’t even fully understand the work I’m currently doing?? So keeping these things in mind, I am taking full advantage of the things that I have and I’m going to master the level I’m at now until I’m able to get to a next level. I’ll share with you one of my goals so you may understand a bit better.

You may or may not know, but I’m a YouTuber. I started my channel in 2013 and I wasn’t really sure at first what I was going to do with it. Now I have my vision and my plan. I won’t divulge the details just yet, but I want to get a good following on YouTube and really build my channel up.

yt-creators-silver-rewards

This is a YouTube play button award. The silver is for YouTubers that have 100,000 subscribers and I am going to get one of these. I am DETERMINED and I know I can do it. At present I have 120 subscribers and that excites me. I don’t have the pretty backgrounds and all of the best equipment, but I have a great camera. A Canon which is great for creating videos and I have an iPhone that I can use to vlog, as well as my iMac to edit my videos on. I don’t have a tripod yet so I improvise. I have a start. It’s all about working with what I have and being able to come up with original content, creating videos, editing them and being consistent. I’m trying to find the balance to do all of this though. Because I’m a new mother, it’s a little harder since I live alone. I’m looking for a new job as well so I have to utilise my time wisely, especially once I’m back to work full time.

As I write this, my daughter is currently napping and I’m hoping to finish before she wakes. I have laundry to fold and my hair needs to  be done, plus I have other things that need to be done for my YouTube channel. All of this I need to master and I will. I refuse to make excuses and I refuse to give up. Each day that comes, I will make continuous strides towards my empire. My daughter deserves a head start, and this she will get!

Stay tuned luvlies!! xo

Mommy.

 

*I wrote this while still living in London.

Since becoming pregnant I feel like I’ve become more enlightened. I sh*t you not life has taken on a whole new perspective. Things seem so much clearer. I have a deeper understanding of life that I didn’t have before and this is such a great thing. It shows I’ve matured and I’m growing mentally each day, as I prepare to become a mother. That brings me to this blog post.

In one of my enlightened moments I realised how much I took my mom for granted and how much we as society take our mothers for granted when they are living.

When your mom is living, do you ever miss her? Do you ever realise just how big of an impact she has in your life?

I used to sometimes get annoyed when my mom would want me to take her to the store or give her a lift somewhere. It only dawned on me once becoming pregnant, how much I missed doing those things for her. I feel so silly and petty when I think about it.

Since becoming pregnant, I have missed my mother so damn much!!  She is alive and well, but she’s not here in the UK with me. I never realized how important it is to have your family close until now.

There have been days where I was feeling a bit weepy and the only person I wanted was my mom. I sh*t you not I would have my moment of tears and I would legit be crying to myself saying, ‘I want my momma.’ With my hormones turning up and my emotions just paying me no mind, I realised just how much I needed her; just how much I needed her calming voice and presence. Her presence alone would have been enough for those weepy moments.

I am very grateful that I still have my mom. Lord knows I am not trying to take that for granted. I am also very appreciative of the great relationship we have. My mom is the best and I thank God for her. She did her very best raising my sister and I, and I gotta say she did a great job.  My sister and I aren’t perfect but we are pretty damn awesome. I can’t express how much my respect has grown for my mother.

Love her to the moon and beyond. xo
Love her to the moon and beyond. xo

I also have a new found respect for women whose mothers are no longer living or those who don’t have a good relationship with their mothers. Especially when they become mothers themselves. That is a journey that you most of all want to share with your mom. You want to be able to show her all of your pictures  from your scans and tell her about your cravings. You’d want her to witness your growing baby bump especially. You’d have questions about when she was carrying you and what type of experiences she had as well. But more importantly you’d want her to be there for the birth of her grandchild. She’d be there to calm you and give you advice, and to also reassure you that you will be a great mother. She will always have your back no matter what because well….that’s what mothers do.

It All Started In 2014.

On Thursday, 19 June 2014, I left my island home of Bermuda, to embark on a journey to London, England.

Yes, you read correctly. I left sunny Bermuda, with its sub-tropical climate, pink sandy beaches and turquoise waters, to live in not so sunny and dreary London. Lol yep… crazy I know! IMG_2397_2

I sold my belongings, gave up my apartment and took the biggest leap of faith of my life. I had a plan of sorts, but of course I had no idea of what awaited me. But I was excited as hell. I was going to be in London. I could get my fill of fashion, football and endless possibilities unknown to me.

See, this was going to be the first time I would have been away from home for an extended period of time. I was not able to attend college and uni so I was taking a big chance. I didn’t know if homesickness would kick in. What if after a week I couldn’t take it anymore? What if it was too overwhelming after a month?

Luckily for me I was going to be sharing a flat with another Bermudian, a very close friend of mine. He had previously returned back to the UK in November 2013, and it made sense financially to share a flat together. He is actually one of the reasons I wanted to go to London.

Since 2012 I knew I wanted to leave Bermuda, that there was more to life than the 21sq miles I call home. There was something missing; that I should be doing more exciting work and living in another country. I always said when I was younger I would like to live in England, and I think having an aunt who lived there for 30 years and that being my first trip at 5 years old was an influence from early on.

So 2014 it was. I said my ‘see you laters’, I told my mom to think of it as an extended vacation. I fought hard not to cry at the airport and I surely failed! All day I was on the verge of tears really. Even when I said goodbye to my neighbors. I went through security, tears on my cheeks ready to take on London.

My fam.. at L.F. Wade Airport
My fam.. at L.F. Wade Airport

It’s now evident, London had a lot more in store for me than I could imagine.